Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
