the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
