Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
