Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
