The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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