guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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