Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
