Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
