I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize