The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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