he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
