Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
my liver is dry heaving
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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