How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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