Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
