The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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