Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
