I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
