No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize