I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
