my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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