so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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