The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
