Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
