my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if i can run in heels then i can drive
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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