"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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