I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
