I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
