i already hear my dad disowning me
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
