you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We need to rekindle our bromance
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
