My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
