dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
