Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
