I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
