college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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