Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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