Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
