I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
