my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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