By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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