either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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