mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
