She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
