i think i have two assholes
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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