The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
