I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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