Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
