My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
