How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
