We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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