So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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