I wish I could teleport
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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