Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
