I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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