just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
