Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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