I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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