I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
