What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
