Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
