The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
