i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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