I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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