yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
