Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Couch. On fire.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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