fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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