Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
