if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
