Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
