It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
