I wish I could punch you in the face.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
