So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
