May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize